Incognito
by Ag-ro-tag
Summary: "Confusion is a powerful, yet deceitful force. Once you choose under the pressure of it, you can be sure the consequences aren't going to be pretty. And I got lost in the maze, where all my past beliefs and values died on the way. But at the same time, I left the previous Lavi Bookman behind and I don't plan on becoming him again..." LavixAllen, Rated M for a good reason...
1. Prologue

**AG-RO-TAG's NOTE!**

**Nooo, it can't be happening :( I'm beginning a new story :( It's not something I'm happy with, I barely can finish other ones and yet I still have time and mind to make up new ones! That's awful :(((**

**Hmm... On the other hand, it's not that bad. I've read recently John Irving's book and it kind of gave me a strange idea... I wonder if you'll accept this idea as well?**

**The thing is – this story might not be something you used to read. Gosh, the first chapters might be even OFFENDING to homosexuals. However, please, don't get me wrong, I'm totally not against it!**

**And so I had this idea – what's the point of view of a person who actually is whole-heatedly against it? I was thinking about the prejudice most of haters have – what are their motives or their arguments? And – what fascinated me the most – is there a possibility that a person can change his/her opinion radically once you get to know gays closely? **

**So here are some warnings:**

**This story is rated 100% MATURE CONTENT due to offending, swearing, and possible sex or gore scenes. I will show some cruelty here, so you have been warned.**

**Yeah, the usual – it has got a homosexual content, mostly BoyxBoy**

**I'm using characters from D. Gray-Man that belong to their creator Katsura Hoshino**

**And the last note for Lavi-lovers – Lavi at the beginning is going to be a total ass, so deal with it! I promise it's not going to be for long :)**

**Sorry for grammar, vocabulary, primitive style, etc., though I hope it won't be that bad (after so many years of writing fics I DO HOPE it won't be bad)**

**Alright, so let's go to the story, shall we?**

~~~~~~~~~~PROLOGUE~~~~~~~~~~

My grandpa used to say: "A man is an architect of his own fortune."

That's a complete bullshit.

Why do I happen to think like that? Well, it's not that I'm a spiritual-religious-voodoo person. My opinion about this is mostly affected by my rather well-developed distrust. Therefore, we are living in an 'illusion' that we actually can change our lives. To me, giving us the feeling of control is just a part of the higher plan. Somewhere above us, there is this meta-power that just wants us to think that we are the 'masters of our beings'.

It's just an illusion. An illusion of control.

Do I sound confusing? This is me, Ladies and Gentlemen. I am confusing and confused at the same time. This happens a lot in our society, especially at crazy times like the one we're living in now.

Confusion is a powerful, yet deceitful force that can really change people's lives. It's a state when a man (or a woman) is stuck between many possibilities, not sure of picking the right one. And now I'm on the crossroads of choices... I opened many doors, I created many options, and now it backfired...

But then again, I'm being a confusing creep. Let me come back to the beginning of this 'confusion'.

I have to return to my times as a teenager, somewhere around graduating from High School. Back then, if you asked me "Lavi, do you have everything under control?" I would answer without a shadow of a doubt "Of course!". I knew who I was, I was certain of all my values and beliefs, and I had a bright plan for my even brighter future. Everyone knew that as well, so they respected me and, trust me, when I felt that I was an authority, I started to behave like one. Those times weren't of my pride...

That's why today I think that you don't really rule over your life. It's the other way around – the life rules over you. It's your grueling duty to respect it or it'll find you, bring you to the darkest corner and beat you up. Ok, but that's a small digression, I'll come back to it later.

It was during winter holidays. I was Lavi Bookman – a young, handsome boy with really good grades, a charming personality, and an ego bigger than the highest mountain in the world. The mentioned ego brought me many people (I can't call them friends. They were more or less like lackeys of mine). Surrounded by dumb boys and beautiful (but also dumb) girls, I thought I had a right to think highly'n'mightly of myself, though I tried my best to be a good leader to my people. Was my life really that perfect? Actually, growing up without parents and being brought up by my grandpa, who was really conservative about modern times AND really distrustful to other people, had quite a big impact on my personality. I didn't really care about people – they were like objects to me. Objects are things that people use. So I was one of "people". I was using others, thus they became "objects". Yeah, I'm really not proud of my past times.

Starting again – winter holidays. A small cafe and a bunch of immature almost-adults with a laptop. I was there with a few guys from my Baseball Club. Our team – the Noahs – was the jet set of our High School. We were really good. That evening we were celebrating our victory in Inter-school Basketball Competition. One of my more-tolerable teammates, Tyki Mikk, brought his laptop with him and we were watching funny videos from the Internet. That time, definition of 'funny' meant 'someone fails miserably and it's not really funny to him/her' in my dictionary. And there were many videos that I fail to recall today. None of them did I remember, except for one...

We ordered liters of beer, one giant pizza with ham and pineapple, and watched a clip of one puny guy being beaten by three bulky thugs. Yeah, that was really funny... Eh... I laughed, my girlfriend (at that time) Lulubell laughed as well, Tyki laughed, and the man in the video cried pathetically. "Why are they beating him, anyway?" I asked, though it wasn't out of pity. I was just curious. Tyki looked at the video's info and found out that the guy was gay. A grunt of disgust came out of my lips. Yeah, that was something odd, something forbidden and something that should have never ever happened.

"Man, wherever you look – in the newspapers, on the Internet – there are always faggots..." Tyki commented on it and I added "To me, all of them can just die and rot in Hell... But these fuckers hide really well." My language wasn't very clever or proper after 5 beer mugs, but everybody was in the point of not giving a crap. Still, I was the most eloquent guy in the whole group. "I wish I could... Lure them out and smash their... asses..." Everyone roared in laughter.

However, the topic hadn't ended, oh no. With drunken mind, ideas come up. Something hit me, which I thought was the brightest idea in the world. I took away Tyki's laptop and wrote down the address of the gay website. "I remember one guy, who gave me this address so that I can avoid it while looking for porn." I answered just when everyone was about to ask how the hell I know such a thing. It was it: **blackdesireorder . com**. The page appeared. Anyone who had seen a normal dating website wouldn't spot a difference. Arrangement, colors, profiles – they were pretty normal. As I saw, all avatars had no photos, but random pictures of cute puppies or strange satanic signs or whatsoever. However, there was a catch... A button on the left, right corner of the page. It looked like a light switch. When a user clicks on it, the whole site changes its presentation. I demonstrated the power of the switch and in no time, there were penises everywhere. Another wave of disgust passed in my group. An evil smile formed on my lips, because I was about to present my little plan.

"I know a way to make these faggots show themselves. We should create a new account and try to seduce them. When they decide to see us in real life, there'll be a massive humiliation." My smile widened. Everyone else grinned as well. Everyone, except Tyki. "You do realize we have to somehow convince all of them that you are gay, right?" He had a fair point, but it didn't dishearten me. I was dead serious. "Well, if you think of them as women and try to flirt with them via the Internet, I think it'll be convincing enough. And then we'll arrange a meeting, but it'll be better to come up with a strategy beforehand." After my speech I could see that blink of Tyki's golden eyes. I was a pretty persuasive person back then... The rest of the evening went by, my other teammates were roaring in joy about the match we won while Tyki and I were working on the perfect plan to 'convert' all the homos in our area. Both Lulubell and I left the earliest, and we came back to my apartment. One of the hell passionate nights of my life. We woke up in the morning and I broke up with her. Life's a bitch.

A week later we executed our marvelous plan. My nickname was **#LionRabbit. **Tyki decided on **#Foreign_Surprise**, though I still don't understand why he liked it. Anyway, we formed our accounts and suddenly – the door to marginalized world opened. All we had to do was to blend in. Somehow, I just couldn't make a first step – was it disgust or insecurity or fear of being revealed? I think a little form each. Two weeks and I hadn't made a single contact. Tyki, on the other hand, was a busy bee, but every attempt was a failure. His strategy (or rather my strategy that inspired him) to treat other gay boys like women wasn't effective. When I started working on this plan, I thought every homosexual was more feminine than masculine, so they want to be treated with kindness and delicacy. Soon, I was about to change that opinion, but this is still ahead of this story.

Chat-rooms are really convenient. You don't really have to worry about showing your true feelings. This is like a big factory of lies. You can be depressed in life, but when someone writes to you 'Hey, what's up?' you can just cover it with a simple 'Never been better!' and lots of emoticons. I also thought about myself that I can hide my emotions even in reality and that gave me a feeling of superiority.

After two weeks of trying to catch someone, we decided to show our results. I still have the conversation from that time:

#LionRabbit: So? Anything new?

#Foreign_Surprise: Hahaha xD Dude, check out this file one fag sent me! (File sent. It was a photo of a large penis) He asked me if I want to meet his Little John xDDD

#LionRabbit: Fuck man! Don't sent me shit like that, ya want me to scratch my eyes off? rotfl

#Foreign_Surprise: But admit it, his dick IS impressive xDDD

#LionRabbit: Knock it off or you might actually love sight of other dicks ;P (here I had to take a small break and wipe away tears of laughter) So, does this Little John want to meet you? xD

#Foreign_Surprise: I offered him that, but he said that I have to send a photo of me :/ No way I'm gonna do that :/ (That was true. We decided not to show our faces in this site or it might bring us some problems) Eh, what about you?

#LionRabbit: Nah, I still can't really do that :/ I'm jealous that you actually can think of them as women and have no problems.

#Foreign_Surprise: Yea, women with dicks attached xD

#LionRabbit: xDDD

#Foreign_Surprise: But still, man, you gotta do something! It was your plan after all and I'm the only one doing all the work :(

#LionRabbit: But it's haaaaaard *puppy eyes*

#Foreign_Surprise: Dude, man up!

#LionRabbit: You mean 'gay up'! :D

#Foreign_Surprise: xDDD

#LionRabbit: ;P

#Foreign_Surprise: Whatever xD If you don't feel good about openly-fag fags, then maybe find someone more sissy? Ya can give him a crap about being inexperienced and shit like that ;P

#LionRabbit: Well, that wouldn't be untruthful xDDD So I just have to make him like me on more emotional level?

#Foreign_Surprise: Dude, you do that to girls all the time xD Here, I'm sending you one fag's profile. I tried to talk to him, but he bluntly refused my offer for sex xD He'll be a perfect match for you ;D *#Foreign_Surprise has sent you another user's profile - **#Musician***

You remember my boring beginning and the fragment about 'creating other options'? When Tyki had sent me #Musician's profile I had a little doubt. I don't know if I was reluctant, because I didn't want to associate myself with gay website, or because I wasn't completely trusting myself in bonding with another person (it was crucial to me that it would be a gay guy on the other side). This created my first confusion and I had to make a choice. Of course, I could just tell Tyki that I was busy and I couldn't speak to him at the moment. But at the same time Tyki was dancing on my ego, saying that I didn't participate in my plan and was chickening out. I opened the profile. There wasn't too much info – the guy liked music, arts, martial arts (well, that actually surprised me). In the description he wrote: "I don't really need to write about myself here. Find me out yourself." That was a clever description. If I took a dating site more seriously, I would probably write something similar – not too much, but intriguing as well. And there was my dilemma.

Leave it or go for it?

And I made a choice. I wasn't a coward.

I wrote a simple message:

#LionRabbit: Hey there. Care to find me out as well?

No stupid internet emos. No stupid introductions. It took me 2 days to get a reply.

#Musician: I might want to. Amuse me.

That was my choice and the first one, that resulted in a horrible rollercoaster of choices and changes. As you may think now, dear reader, I'm no longer the same Lavi Bookman, handsome and charming guy with a giant ego. The process of these changes I triggered myself. It was Musician, who was opening all new doors and inviting me inside.  
Carelessly, I accepted most of these invitations... These doors were leading me to corridors of new experiences, building a huge maze inside of my mind. The deeper I went, the more lost I was...

Ok, I think I should stop side tracking from the main story. From this point, things will get more interesting...

* * *

**AG-RO-TAG's final note**

**Yep, that's prologue to you! I'm posting it as a demo, because I really am curious how would you accept this idea.**

**Also, I do wish I would end this one, there might be some time skips in further chapters! So, what do you think? **

**I think discrimination in these days is rather huge and it's actually a lot more real than some of romance you and I usually read :) Thus, it might be harsh to some of you and for that I'm sorry. I decided to write it like that, because I want to make a point.**

**And as far as I planned this story (so far I have planned 3 chapters) it's not going to be a pretty one, but at the same time, I want to do something great with it :)**

**I'll be glad to read reviews of any kind! And I hope you liked it :)**


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N below!  
Read and enjoy!**

~~~~~~INCOGNITO~~~~~~

My room was my sanctuary. One double bed with nice, black sheets - all hot girls loved them for some reason. Later, I came to like this color due to strong contrast between bodies and these sheets. Next to my bed, I had bookshelves, filled with huge amount of books. If there is something I may respect more than myself that would be even the most regular book. My love for books has never changed and I'm thankful for that. Also, there was a mahogany desk with other books, a small silver light, and my red laptop. That would be the most of it – I also had some other, more or less meaningless stuff, but they didn't matter, for there were three general points and they had to remain general – my bed, my bookshelves, my desk. Heh, I kind of liked that apartment, too bad I had to move away...

That night I was pretty mad at my ex-girlfriend, Lulubell, because she kept pestering me about our broken relationship. Women say: "Men think that when a girl says 'no', it means 'yes' " and I have to admit, that it goes the same way with them. Or maybe I should change the sentence into: "Women don't know that 'no' said by a boy actually means 'NO' ". Situation with Lulubell wasn't too strange to me, I knew that scenario all too well. However, every time such a nuisance showed up, I had a big headache. The only remedy for it was a big cup of green tea with mango, a bowl full of paprika crisps, and a nice long porn. I had to let some of my stress off, though my methods weren't really clever. I prepared everything, the cup was near my right hand, the bowl was near my cup, and my laptop connected to the internet. I thought that before I can start my relaxing session, I'd check the usual internet stuff – some social pages, recent news, and my mail.

An there was this reply.

#Musician: I might want to. Amuse me.

I guess I had to be really stressed out the past days, because I had to collect my thoughts. No idea what this message was about, who the hell was this Musician? Of course, I recalled after a while and... Became even more annoyed. I really wasn't in the mood to mail with a fag (as I angrily thought), not to mention to make him fall for me. But Tyki's image haunted me – coward! Coward! Coward! His imaginary voice in my head couldn't leave me alone and I gave up. I opened the Black Desire Order website and checked the chat-room. Musician was online. He wrote me rather strange message. How was I supposed to amuse him? People should earn amusement from me, not just demand it. Annoyance was rising inside of me. I just wasn't in the mood.

#LionRabbit: And what kind of amusement do you seek?

_I used this perfect ability to hide my building rage. It was 2 a.m. and a sweet video of Creamy Claire was waiting for me in my premium account. I couldn't predict that I wouldn't be able to see it that night._

#Musician: Maybe try proposing the same thing that entertains you the most.

_This answer made me snort loudly. I don't think he'd be glad to go to the brothel with me_

#LionRabbit: I don't know... Maybe I can send you some videos of puppies or guppies?

#Musician: Whoa, rather unique interests do you have.

#LionRabbit: You'd never guess :P

_I wonder why I sent the emoticon. Probably, his earlier reply made me think of him as an idiot._

#Musician: You're pretty new here, I suppose?

#LionRabbit: Well I am, as my profile says.

#Musician: I haven't seen it yet. And I don't really mean 'new' as a 'new user of the BDO'.

_I had to move away from the screen for a moment. For someone, who read only 5 messages from mr, he was pretty sharp. It really freaked me out. I reached for my green tea and took a few sips. It lasted around 5 minutes and I was thinking about the strategy of talking to Musician. There were many faces I could use then, but I decided to take a 'natural' approach. It was a line between the truth and the lie._

#LionRabbit: Heh... Yeah, you're right, I'm kind of new here and I don't really know about this... stuff...

_Honestly, I didn't want to know._

#Musician: Then why are you here?

#LionRabbit: I don't know. I thought that a site such as this one will help me a bit.

#Musician: Well, it depends on what kind of help do you seek. If it's a sexual help, then maybe this site will give you some answers.

_My face twisted in many directions. As I thought, this site was only meant to find some male-sluts. As far as Tyki could bear gay-harassment well, I knew it would kill my insides._

#LionRabbit: Yeaa... I don't really think I want to use that kind of help.

#Musician: So have you ever kissed a guy?

#LionRabbit: No.

_An image of me kissing a guy was quite sickening. That's why I didn't even dare picture myself in a situation like that._

#Musician: Then you had a crush on a guy.

#LionRabbit: No.

_'Dammit!' I remember smacking my forehead really hard right after pressing 'Enter' key. My person was even less and less believable._

#Musician: Uh-huh... So why do you think you are gay?

_Cogs inside of my brain were working at full speed. However, I wanted to make something believable, gay-related, my disgust just blocked me. I needed a neutral answer. What would a fresh gay say? _

#LionRabbit: I think I'm a little confused... That's not really amusing, right?

… _That actually didn't sound bad._

#Musician: I wouldn't say so. I'm sorry if I made you write something like that, it must have been hard for you. Listen, I don't really think I can give you what most of people here can, but I may clear up some of that confusion you have. I'll try to tell you as much as you need :)

_...And it paid off... The bait was finally taken._

#LionRabbit: Thanks :) So... have you got a name?

#Musician: I'm Neah. And you are?

_Yeah, he went by Neah that time, but I underestimated him and thought he was stupid enough to give away his personal details. As it was planned, I had to make an alias for me._

#LionRabbit: Deak, nice to meet you. Well then, Neah, how was your day yesterday?

#Musician: Do you really want to know that?

#LionRabbit: What? Is it strange to ask that?

#Musician: Unusual, if you ask me.

#LionRabbit: Well, excuse me for trying to start a conversation :P

#Musician: Yeah, you're pretty terrible :D

_I felt my ego being stabbed by this claim. A gay guy just said I was terrible in conversations..._

#LionRabbit: Don't let my terrible side deceive you. I'm more or less pretty normal :P

#Musician: You are normal? That's disappointing.

#LionRabbit: Wha?

#Musician: Normal is rather boring, in my opinion :D

#LionRabbit: Oh, you don't want to know my random side.

#Musician: Hmm, maybe not now, but later – who knows?

#LionRabbit: Don't tell me later that you haven't been warned :P

#Musician: I'll keep that in mind :D So, how was your day yesterday?

#LionRabbit: Hey, that's my question! :(

#Musician: Well, life's unfair sometimes :P

#LionRabbit: It amuses me how much you push your luck :D

#Musician: Life is a gamble, so you have to push your luck as much as you can, because you may run out of it later :)

#LionRabbit: Hmm, pretty clever. I guess yesterday my luck decided to take a day off.

#Musician: Rough day?

#LionRabbit: Yeah, something like that.

#Musician: You know, it's pretty late. Maybe it'd better if you go to sleep?

#LionRabbit: I don't sleep before 4 a.m.

#Musician: That's almost two hours ahead. What do you do normally?

#LionRabbit: Read, most of the time.

#Musician: Are you reading something at the moment?

#LionRabbit: Yeah, the conversation with you :P

#Musician: Ha-ha-ha, Mr Obvious :D I ask seriously, because if you don't have anything to read, I can send you something interesting I have found two days ago.

#LionRabbit: I actually have one book, but I should be over it in about 30 minutes.

#Musician: Alright, when you have time and will, then check it out *#Musician sends you a document file. Saved* This gave me really strong impressions, so don't read it carelessly.

#LionRabbit: Don't worry your pretty head. I'm a big boy, mommy :P

#Musician: And don't forget to brush your teeth before you go to sleep, young man! ;D

#LionRabbit: But brushing teeth is stupid! :(

#Musician: End of discussion!

#LionRabbit: Doh... I'm starting to dislike you :(

#Musician: Many people say that. Haters gonna hate *deal with it!*

…

This conversation ended somewhere around 5 a.m. Talking with a gay gave me creeps at the beginning and my mood wasn't high enough to put up with perverted jibes or mindless talking... But as my dialogue with Neah went, I learned he wasn't as bad as I thought, though him being gay repelled me completely. Moreover, his writing relaxed me a bit and when I switched off my inner 'anti-homo-alarm', I felt as if I talked with a normal guy (without mentioning babes or boobs, of course). Yeah, yeah, I know, he was normal and he is normal till today. Soon, tiredness came over and I had to excuse myself.

#Musician: Till the next time!

I waited for this answer eagerly, because I was pretty proud of myself. Tyki was right, I was better at making other people like me with my wits, not that I lacked anything in my looks. As I switched off the laptop, I took my cell and texted Tyki.

I had my first prey...

Two weeks passed and I had to go back to my last term of High School. All my teammates and classmates couldn't wait for the time when they'd pass their final exam and have their longest vacation yet. I wasn't as eager as them – living like a student was comfortable. But I didn't really talk with anybody about it. Except for one and I think you can guess who was it...

Neah and I, as Deak, talked maybe five times more. My rant about graduating gave away my age, and I was 18. To my surprise, he was just 15 and already in University of Arts with a nice scholarship. He was really young and I kept asking myself _Why the hell this guy can be gay and be so young? Kids these days... No wonder we have a plague of homos. _I was more focused on his orientation and ignored his really good characteristics or achievements.

Later, at school. It was a long break and I went to the school's backyard. To my surprise, Tyki was waiting there with me, holding two steel pipes and smiling like a madman. "You're awfully pleased today? Did you murder your cousin Rhode already?" With puzzled look, I forced a smile, so I probably must have looked rather silly.

"I'm still working on that. But guess what? Little John can't wait to see me today." He chirped joyfully and threw me one of the pipes. It was smooth and cold, hard and handy. I made a few swings back and forth. Whiz from the pipe gave me a ting of excitement. Having enough of admiration to this lifeless object, I gave a questioning look. "Make a good use of it. After school we're going to the parking lot near the Asian Bridge, he's supposed to wait there." None of us had to say anything more. I nodded and hid the pipe behind school garages. The feeling this metal gave me was frightening. Or maybe it wasn't completely its fault... While I was swinging, I was imagining that 'Little John' on the other side. Waiting for the last lesson was agonizing.

The bell set off and both Tyki and I quickly disappeared from the classroom. We took our 'tools' and hurried over the nearest bushes, observing the abandoned parking lot. Some time had passed before someone actually showed up. It was a young man, he couldn't be younger than me, with blond hair hidden under a beret and dressed in white uniform with big black boots. I couldn't see his face, because bushes covered most of my vision. Tyki and I looked at each other. "Is it him?" I whispered, though there was no way that dude would hear me. Tyki slowly nodded. He stood up and out of bushes. I was waiting patiently for the right moment. As Tyki approached him, the blond man noticed him and seemed to be excited. How the heck didn't this guy notice that one of Tyki's arm was hiding behind his back – I have no idea. But soon, Tyki passed the man so that he was forced to turn his back on me. Without hesitation, I jumped out of bushes, quickly ran to the guy and swung my pipe ruthlessly. It hit his head pretty hard. The element of surprise and pain were probably too much for him. His body lifelessly fell on the ground. My hands were shaking form the adrenaline. Tyki was standing and smiling with triumph. He took out a piece of rope and tied the man up. We decided to bring the guy under the Asian Bridge and finish our job there. No, we didn't mean to murder him, though I guess I was very oblivious to the fact that I had almost killed the poor guy. When he woke up, he was shocked and frightened. I hid my face with my orange scarf and bandana, and Tyki put dark balaclava.

"Well then, what do we have here?" He started his monologue, because the man was gagged with his own socks. "You know, how can I sleep peacefully when I know that perverts like you walk around the city? But don't worry." He came closer. Metal pipe was threateningly lying on his throat. "I know a great cure for gayness. My assistant and I will show you in a moment..." He shivered, wriggled, twisted in may ways possible, but it was no use. We were kicking and hitting with our fists and our pipes. His cries were a good background sound to our laughter and complex bouquet of curses. Our beating lasted maybe 10-15 minutes, we knew we had to get out of there as soon as possible. Just when the man passed out, we untied him and ran away. Since then, I had never seen the fellow, but I've learned that his name was Bak and he was only two days away from becoming the Doctor in Physics. Because of a strange 'incident' he had a small delay.

I came back to my apartment and lied on my bed, thinking about what the heck I had done. I was hugely proud of myself. After calming down, I opened my laptop and looked at new mails. One of them was from Neah.

Deak,

These are songs form this band I have told you the last time we were writing. Have a nice day!

I opened all music files and my smile grew wider. The day couldn't have ended better.

* * *

**AG-RO-TAG's NOTE!**

**Hiya! The second chapter ;P  
Needless to say, I hope you enjoyed it! Leave a review ;)**


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